SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
whose parrot is this?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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