My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
