Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
