There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
