Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
