I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
