he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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