Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
