Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
