I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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