Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
