I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
