I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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