I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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