I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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