Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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