My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
