i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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