OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
