you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
