the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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