If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Drunk is not a location!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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