haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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