She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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