I think I won the penis lottery.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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