I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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