Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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