I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
