Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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