Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
