I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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