I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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