he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
