He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
