good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
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