If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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