You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
is it fun? or sober?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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