I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
