pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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