You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
