I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
