My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
