guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
