Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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