im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
