You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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