Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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