There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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