So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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