I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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