My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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