i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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