Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize