Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
