Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
