so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
