I just threw up on my dentist
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
