I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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