AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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