it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize