Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
50% drunk capacity currently
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
