My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
