Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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