Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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