i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
