Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
